I haven’t lived here long, in fact, I don’t really think I have the full grasp of it. That’s the weird thing though, shouldn’t I by now? The town isn’t that big, all the people are the same, and yet something about it makes me think that there is so much more to it. It took me a while to figure out that this town is exactly where I need to be to learn all of the lessons you can only learn on your own. I’m talking friendships, and heartbreaks and all the things we hold close to our hearts, yet far enough away to let them be snagged by someone else. I definitely have learned that no matter what anyone tells you, no one is as independent as they seem. We all count on someone. Whether that be your parents, your significant other, or even your best friend, we are all guilty of codependency.
I had always considered myself to be very independent. No one was ever going to take that away from me, not even my parents. I was set on life. I knew what I wanted to do, I knew who I wanted to be, and I knew who I wanted to be around. I had made it clear with everyone that I was not changing for anyone. So why was it that I was spinning out of control, and the only thing keeping me grounded was someone else?
Someone else. It sounds funny saying it now, considering I’ve come to terms with what ‘independency’ really means, but having that someone else was a whole new experience for me. It was the kind of shit you only see in movies or read about in books, and I was living it. This wasn’t me, but for some reason it was the only time I had felt really alive. I felt important, needed, possibly even loved, and I was okay with that.
When I look back on this feeling of being alive, I realize that I only felt this way because during the time I was embracing almost every emotion possible. Every single emotion you could possibly think of was going through me, pulling me, twisting me. I saw my friends try and work through their minds what was really going on, yet no one could ever really grasp it. Hell, I wasn’t even grasping it but something was keeping me there.
So what was it? Maybe it was the fact that I had never felt this way, or maybe it was the fact that it was the adventure I had always been searching for. I’ve never regretted a single thing in my life, and to this day I still stand behind that statement. If anything, I’ve gained so much perspective on life, and although a little part of me still wishes I were back in that place, I know now things happen for a reason. Its nice to feel that independence again, but its also nice to know the feeling of not being completely independent because in the long run we are all going to have to learn how to handle both.
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