peace, love and cupcakes.

Wow, it's been a long time.

2011-01-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

Hello!! Well, I don't have too much to say but as a New Year resolution I have decided to start writing more. so here it is. my pathetic attempt to write about everything my brain can come up with. oh god, this is gonna be rough.

R.I.P. Jasmine.

2010-01-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

this is one of my all time favorite coldplay songs. i guess it relates to my life. ill miss you jasmine. you were amazing. more than i have ever imagined i deserved.

who wants to be friends?

2009-04-13T23:52:00.001-07:00

so its back to chico, eh?
you know, deep down, i really always thought leaving chico was a huge mistake, but i never really wanted to admit that to myself. I had this 'ultimate control' of what i was doing and i was going to fight that until the end.
but here i am.
the end.

and its back to chico.

im excited, and i have the most beautiful kitten in the world right there with me. :)

BUT i do have to say i love my friends, epecially those who feed me pez ;)

jobs rule.

2009-02-18T22:27:00.000-08:00

so while i wait for jeremys ass to take forever, i figured i would inform everyone of my exciting news. ready?

I GOT A JOB!!!!

sayy helllooo to mira mesas new jamba juice employeeee. :)

im pretty excited. i mean, i got the drink thing downnn. i love smoothies. how hard can it be? maybee, just maybe, ill also get a job at starbucks. by that time i will be a drink making foooool. yay!

anyways. today i babysat. friday im babysitting. and this whole week im pet sitting.

helllooo money. ;)

welcome to heartbreak.

2009-02-18T07:11:00.000-08:00

KANYE WEST "Welcome To Heartbreak" Directed by Nabil from nabil elderkin on Vimeo.

damn.

BLOGS.

2009-02-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

so its been a significant amount of time since ive last blogged, but ive been going through this ridiculous case of writers block. i dont know what it is exactly, but i think it has something to do with my repressed mind and the fact that ive lost all feeling of what true happiness is really about.
the good news, however, i think its coming back. well, the happiness is, at least.

ive decided the only way to get over my writers block is to force myself to write more. so, bare with me folks, these past couple months might be a bumpy ride, but i promise in the end it will all be worth it. actually, ive decided to start 2 more new blogs.

the first one will be a blog about my dreams and what i think they mean. this has always interested me, and as we were discussing this subject in psychology, i figured i would give it a whirl.(http://sleepingtodream56.blogspot.com/)

the second, a book blog. its no secret, i read a lot. its no secret, i want to be a book critic. so why not have one? i had one before and i didnt do anything...this one shall be better.(http://booklove56.blogspot.com/)

anywhoooo. i got a job! so these blogs might not be updated everyday, but i do plan on writing in this one more often.

thank you for readddingg. i love you all (all 3 of you, i believe.)

home sweet home

2009-01-31T17:19:00.000-08:00

so im home now. i dont really know to explain it fully, but then again i dont really know how to not go over in detail about it either. im a mess.

im going to a school where i know EVERYONE from high school. you get sucked in and all you feel is that feeling you felt in high school. you know, the feeling you thought you left behind? yeah, well it still decides it wants to creep up on you at the worst possible moments ever.

and dont even get me started on living at home.

i miss my kitten, and my other half, and my mind.

save me?

im leavingg on a jet plane.

2008-12-27T13:10:00.001-08:00

airports, to state it clearly, are not my friend. to be honest, i hate everything about them. the people, the planes, the security checkpoint. everything.

i mean, currently as i write this the man next to me is basically reading over my shoulder. am i really that interesting, dude? no, im not so go back to playing with yourself.

wow. im kinda bitter. haha but this is what airports do to me!!! the good news is i got on the flight i wanted. im using a buddy pass, so you have to fly stand by...i was a little worried about not making my flight, but i did! anddd i got a new haircut this morning.

so its back to santa cruz. i miss my kitty. i need a job.

ugh, life is fucking nuts.

merry christmas.

2008-12-26T00:50:00.001-08:00

for as long as i can remember, christmas has always been the same.

the eve, we head on over to the g parents house, we eat the same food we always eat, and we open presents.
the day, we go to the aunts house, eat the same food, and again open presents.

once my parents got divorced, though, things changed a bit. i dont mean they changed physically, not even at all. we still do the same thing, but the feeling is different. christmas just doesnt feel like it used to.

i havent even seen my dad. actually, i didnt even get a gift from my dad. just a text this morning saying "merry christmas cassie and ciana", which my mother also recieved at the same time. The sad thing about this, is that it was expected. the only thing that truly came as a shock was the fact that i didnt get a gift from him, but i guess i cant complain too much considering he just payed my rent. To be honest, the best gift i could recieve from him would be for him to let me into his life again. i have no idea who he is anymore, and i want to be back in that place of knowing him better than he knows himself.

other than that though, this christmas was just as eventful as the last. heres to next year being...exactly the same.

i know my destination, im just not there.

2008-12-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

this house is beautiful. i cant quite get over the fact that im living here. I wish i hadnt forgotten my camera in chico, or else i would have put up pictures.

everyone must come visit me, if you can find me, considering im in the middle of the woods.

but did i mention how pretty it is? i mean, currently i am staring out of the living room window, which leads to our balcony, which overlooks the ocean and a bunch of trees.

when i say its beautiful, i truly mean it.

i leave for san diego in about...3 hours. im pretty excited to go home, actually. I currently am really sad, however, and i cant figure out why. It probably has something to do with the fact that everyone left me already! god, i hate being alone. and i hate that i have to leave my cat. poor baby will be alone on christmasss :(

anyways, ill update while im home. im sure something write-worthy will happen.

For Harold.

2008-12-16T16:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Harold,

I never got to say goodbye to you. When we found you this morning we didnt know youd be so stiff until willow tried to pick you up. Im sorry you were so stiff. Willow thinks you died from lack of love, i think you died because your little heart was so full of love it burst! im also sorry we didnt let you out more, but if you werent so obsessed with chewing up everything this might have been different. You are in a better place now, probably getting wasted with mishas hamster and lindas dog. I just want you to know that you will be missed. you were a good pet for the 7 months we had you. the lady at the humane society said this happens all the time, so i hope you found some rabbits who are just like you up there. i once ran over a bunny at home, if you find him let him know im sorry and i cried the whole way home. I also think your timing was a little ironic, i guess now there wont be a need for a custody battle.

i love you harold.
rest in peace.

Love,
mommy #1 (or 2, im not really sure)

cause im a paper chaser, just living my life.

2008-12-11T23:11:00.000-08:00

I got a call tonight from a friend asking meif i knew where hogan was. i love how im not even there with them, yet im still the one who is called. i love even more how i knew where he was. this made me really happy, actually. Then i got even more happier because this person pretty much said exactly what i had needed to hear.

i cant wait to start living.

I know i seem like all i do is sulk and think about santa cruz, but its exciting. and its hard to express excitement when i know everyone around is really not as thrilled as i am. i wish i could appease everyone, but the fact is i cant. which is why ive decided to just do things for me. i cant base my actions off of what other people might think, and i have to just live my life.

thank you t.i.

do the helen kelllerrr.

2008-12-11T14:10:00.002-08:00

my last post was a little deep, and depressing. thats what happens when you drink and type. not okay.

i was recently going through my old pictures on photobucket and i came across this:

granted, this cat isnt as cute as my babylover, but its pretty fucking cute.

as it is, im still excited to go to santa cruz, and i want to go now. but, sadly, i had to turn down one of the new roommate canadates, seeing as shes 26 and wants a quiet area. i dont think this is her kind of place, now is it neighbors? oh well, heres to some twilight fate...hopefully!!

this, my friends, is what we call a drunk post.

2008-12-11T03:21:00.000-08:00

theres so much i want to say right now, that i am borderline talking to myself. This is not okay. who in the hell decided that my life was going to lead up to this. I would probably be spewing this out in my journal, but thats upstairs and at this moment its just too far.

i want so much to not feel like this. i want to be able to look at myself and go, "okay, im completely independent", but i cant. I cant do it, because in reality im not. Im not independent in funds, and ive come to realize im not completely independant in happiness either. I mean, to a certain extent saying my happiness relies on another is completely ridiculous because if it came down to it i could be happy on my own, but for the time being im completely enthralled with somewhat of my happiness relying on another. ive never been this person, but i guess when i think more in depth about it its kinda nice having another person.

to be honest, this distance has been fucking with my head and i think its all very retarded.

i just want to go. my mind isnt here. i need to go find it.

flashing lights.

2008-12-10T01:42:00.000-08:00

so all my roommates have turned to the dark side and have gotten a blog. God, i am such a trend setter. In a way, im sorta glad they all are blogging. i hope it keeps up, especially because i wont be here for much longer and i would still like to know what is going on.

speaking of not being here for much longer, i cant wait to mooooveeee!!! i know i really should feel sad or even overwhelmed, but i dont. im really fucking excited. I seriously just cant wait to be there, and to start this new step of my life. chicos been great to me, no doubt. but i came, i saw, i made a best friend, and now its time to move on. to be honest, theres really nothing for me here. (and dont worry linda, this has nothing to do with my love for you. that, my dear, will never go away)

someone questioned my ability to trust tonight. I dont really know how to take it. im kinda over having to explain myself on so many accounts. it is what it is. let it go. i mean, i dont mean to sound rude, but life is one big rollercoaster, and if you pull an onch you miss out on a lot. :) so im being a brittany.

sorry for the shameless paris hilton puns.

i have also realized tonight that kanye west is my hero. god, i love that man.

okay soo umm...

2008-11-17T02:14:00.000-08:00

so, i have this new hobby, which technically may be called stalking, but i have recently come to reading strangers blogs. i guess, maybe, perhaps they just inspire me. its weird to think that these people are just out there living their everyday lives and have no idea that little 'ol me here in lil 'ol chico knows everything about them. im talking, i know about that funny story that happened march 15, 2007.

yeah, thats not creepy at all.

but really! its kinda cool.

what a beautiful mess this is.

2008-11-14T00:43:00.000-08:00

one thing i have added to my list of pet peeves is people who are controlling, but then i got to thinking. do i, perhaps, only hate those who like to control simply because i am one of them? god, i hope not. i mean, i like when things go my way and ill most likely attempt to have them go that way, but if it doesn't oh well. right? Maybe thats just what some people need to figure out, because when they dont it leads to my second pet peeve: whining.

but we wont get into that.

Lifes been a pretty crazy ride these past few months, and i know i keep throwing that out there all the time, but its probably been the most rewarding experiences of my life. i mean, how long have i wanted to just be completely on my own? a long fucking time, and here i am pretty much making it happen. granted, i have been getting a few dollars here and there from the parentals and a little bit of grandma love, but for the most part ive been doing my own thing...and it feels pretty good right now. I have yet to find that routine.

what scares me, however, is that im kinda feeling like a want to hurry up and find that routine.. i want that feeling of being ridiculously comfortable. i mean, thats what i did towards the beginning of the school year and it was such an amazing feeling. Its become something i think about all too often. so what's so scary about that, your asking? what's scary is that ive never felt this way before.

and i mean that in so many different ways.

life is fucking crazy.

2008-11-12T02:03:00.000-08:00

just when you thought things couldnt get anymore strange...WHAM someone throws you a curve ball and youve never even held a glove before. I cant say that i dont enjoy the crazy sometimes because it does keep me on my toes, but come on. at least throw this all out at me in moderation. cut me some slack people! my stomach can only take so much.

fuck ulcers, by the way.

i can say, however, that i have the cutest kitten in the world and she just so happens to be sleeping on my chest as i write this. thank god for her or i probably would have lost my mind by now.

well thats really all i have for you. lifes crazy, but it is what it is.

la la la la life is wonderful...

2008-10-30T02:11:00.000-07:00

I haven’t lived here long, in fact, I don’t really think I have the full grasp of it. That’s the weird thing though, shouldn’t I by now? The town isn’t that big, all the people are the same, and yet something about it makes me think that there is so much more to it. It took me a while to figure out that this town is exactly where I need to be to learn all of the lessons you can only learn on your own. I’m talking friendships, and heartbreaks and all the things we hold close to our hearts, yet far enough away to let them be snagged by someone else. I definitely have learned that no matter what anyone tells you, no one is as independent as they seem. We all count on someone. Whether that be your parents, your significant other, or even your best friend, we are all guilty of codependency.

I had always considered myself to be very independent. No one was ever going to take that away from me, not even my parents. I was set on life. I knew what I wanted to do, I knew who I wanted to be, and I knew who I wanted to be around. I had made it clear with everyone that I was not changing for anyone. So why was it that I was spinning out of control, and the only thing keeping me grounded was someone else?

Someone else. It sounds funny saying it now, considering I’ve come to terms with what ‘independency’ really means, but having that someone else was a whole new experience for me. It was the kind of shit you only see in movies or read about in books, and I was living it. This wasn’t me, but for some reason it was the only time I had felt really alive. I felt important, needed, possibly even loved, and I was okay with that.

When I look back on this feeling of being alive, I realize that I only felt this way because during the time I was embracing almost every emotion possible. Every single emotion you could possibly think of was going through me, pulling me, twisting me. I saw my friends try and work through their minds what was really going on, yet no one could ever really grasp it. Hell, I wasn’t even grasping it but something was keeping me there.

So what was it? Maybe it was the fact that I had never felt this way, or maybe it was the fact that it was the adventure I had always been searching for. I’ve never regretted a single thing in my life, and to this day I still stand behind that statement. If anything, I’ve gained so much perspective on life, and although a little part of me still wishes I were back in that place, I know now things happen for a reason. Its nice to feel that independence again, but its also nice to know the feeling of not being completely independent because in the long run we are all going to have to learn how to handle both.

sweeeeeet.

2008-07-16T03:00:00.000-07:00

i haven't written in a while, and i guess is just because i haven't had the inspiration to. actually, i cant even remember the last time i thought to myself "i really need to write about this".

to be honest, im having trouble writing about something now.

i guess ill just go back to the basics...like today, today i actually got to have a conversation with my dear friend misha. god, i miss her. i keep thinking how her and i will never party like we used to, and how its going to be difficult to even see her as often as i would like, but i guess thats just the way it goes. things are meant to go as they do, and i know misha and i will be friends for life.

im getting everyone around me addicted to arrested development. keely would be proud. if you ever need something to do, watch this show. it will change your life. i promise.

im currently reading Tuesdays With Morrie, and so far its sweet. im realizing now as i say this, that sweet is probably not the best thing to say about a book, its almost like in drama when marjorie would say "the worst is having someone tell you your play was 'nice'", but none the less the book is in fact sweet. its only bound to get better, ill keep you updated.

i did however read a quite entertaining book last week. the book was titled The Tenth Circle by our good ol' friend Jodi P. I describe this book as "quite entertaining" because thats really all it was. The talk of rapes, and suicides and all the good things we love to see on csi and law and order, come to life in a book (yeah yeah i know) and give me the opportunity to once again congratulate jodi on her ability to form some outstanding character development. she really is quite good at that. the ending to the novel was rather dull and made me yawn at some moments, but all in all it was a good read.

i guess i had more to talk about then i had led on. i really am going to stick to writing about books for my life. it gets me every time.

im only a woman...

2008-06-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

lately, ive had to deal with a lot of people "shit talking". i think ive drawn the line, when my last encounter with it was my own parents. to be honest, ive never really understood the whole "shit talking" technique. do people really think that what they say will never get to the source?

i also find it extremely odd when people get upset about the things they hear about them-self . if you dont want to hear, dont listen. granted, people shouldnt being saying it to begin with, but i guess we are only human and thats pretty much all we seem to do.

ive decided i want to live in a world free of liars, fakes, and phonies. people need to stop pretending to be someone they arent and start focusing on their futures. we left high school quite sometime ago, and im thinking its time to start acting like it.

reinvent love <3

2008-06-14T02:22:00.000-07:00

tonight was the start to a soon to be amazing weekend. granted, things didnt work out as well tonight as we had wanted them to, but that isnt something we could have helped. if only i had been born 2 years earlier....but then again my mom would have been 16 and that would not have been okay.

tonight, we went to see our lovely friend brendon pour his heart out through his rather catchy songs. for those who dont know who im taking about, i went to see panic at the disco. in fact, i said "we" before because my dear friend mattie accompanied me, and together her and i make shit happen. after the show we met up with brendon, and a few other friends. got into a vegas night club vip style, and then got kicked out because we are underage.

fuck that. i need a fake id and i need it fast. if any of you know of anyone, let me know.

tomorrow...er, today, we are driving to disneyland, and at night we will be doing tonight all over again....LA style, which hopefully means we will be allowed into clubs.

im a pretty determined girl. this will happen. i just hope your weekend is as good as mine.

cops and french maids.

2008-05-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

ive never really considered myself to be the type who gets in "trouble". i feel, as a 19 year old, i make pretty smart choices and i dont do anything that i think is wrong. well tonight, a cop didnt think that was the case.

its not really that big of a deal, and in the end i think we held our own, but let me just say a big "good going" to everyone else who cut. it was probably the smarter decision, but in my honor im going to just go with that i am a fucking fantastic friend.

hmm anyways, i leave this hell hole in a matter of days. 5 to be exact, and then its off the chico. this is going to a pretty exciting summer, i believe. i think its going to be exactly what i need. im going to center myself around good people with positive energy, im going to start writing more, and im going to finally get that job at a small bookstore like ive always wanted to.

i was thinking also that hopefully i will find myself a sugar daddy, but i think that purely is wishful thinking, because really...i dont think hes going to live in chico. oh well, heres to a few mistakes.

shoot videos, not guns.

2008-05-06T02:42:00.000-07:00

a guy came into my work tonight speaking of how terrible this city is with crime rates and murders. he went on and on of how rude and disrespectful people are and how the cops dont seem to do anything about these growing rates. he then told me how not more than five minutes ago he had seen a man get shot in the middle of the street, and fall to the ground only to soak to his death in a pool of his own blood.

the crazy thing about this was the way this man told this story; like it was something that he expected to see on a monday evening, like it was something he sees all the time, and something that he will continue on seeing. in a way, i dont blame him. living in this city i see crazy crackheads all the time, but ive never seen something as extreme as that, nor do i ever wish to. but something about the way the girl behind this man said "it wouldnt be the first time" so nonchalantly about the story made me think that maybe i am the only one who doesnt expect to see shit like that right out of the streets.

i really hope im not the only one. i hope there are others out there who still have the mentality that this world could be somewhat of a peaceful place, and we all arent just living in fear of "everyday life" and what its become.

anyways, sorry for the depressing post. i had a pretty awesome, yet strange, weekend that maybe one day i will share...for those of you who dont already know it. home this weekend, get ready for exciting weekend number two.

w4m

2008-04-16T02:27:00.001-07:00

latey, i have been completely enthralled with craigslists "missed connections". its the most addicting thing i have ever come across since the whole "facebook" and "myspace" trend. for those of you who are completely confused right now, let me explain what im talking about.

craigslist "missed connections" is a webpage that allows people to try and find a person that they had a random encounter with during the day. for exapmple, there are some that simply just say:

subject: you were the girl in the red dress.

i ran into you at the market. we chatted in line about my fondness for twinkies. you told me you found me endearing, i find you intriguing. coffee sometime?

..and thats it! thats all there is to it. for those people lucky enough to get a reply, get to see the other side of it while there "missed connection" beams and excepts the date, or in some cases completely blows them off.

i took it upon myself to see if any of these were even real, and what better way to do that then to write my own. i sat myself down, made myself in-vision a potential encounter and i wrote. i spoke of this tall, dark and handsome muni man who completely mesmerized me and drew me into his spell all simply by walking past me. i went on and on telling myself "no one is going to believe this shit". two hours later i had gotten an email.

the email was from a guy wondering if i had been on the n train. i told him i hadnt. the moment i sent the email i felt bad. i couldn't help but feel guilty for quite possibly getting this poor mans hopes up, and letting him think for a second that i was his dream girl. i had gotten myself so enthralled with this entire situation that i began to check it almost everyday. picturing the people who they had written about, and all the people who go on everyday in hopes to find something written about them.

and then i was involved in my very own "missed connection". i was on my way to work one morning and i had sat myself down next to a cute boy, as i usually do. i hadnt paid much attention to him, but i had enough to recognize him when i ran into him again on my way back from work. here we were again, sitting next to each other on the same train going in the same direction, and saying the same thing; nothing. in my head i knew this needed to change. if this wasnt gods way of saying "hey! you guys need to talk to eachother!!" then i dont know what it is. so in my mind the whole train ride i was yelling "come on dude, dont be a pussy, just talk to me". right when i almost gave up he turns to me, and we have a conversation that goes:

"i saw you this morning, didnt i?"

"haha yeah, you did" i say.

"funny how that works out"

"yeah, have a busy day?"

"ohh no not really, i went to a banquet. but look, i think i was meant to run into you again. i kept telling myself 'oh no i should just have one more glass of wine' because i had a feeling i should stay longer"

and then his phone rang.

he didnt get my number. he didnt even get my name. and when we parted ways the first thing my mind went to was craigslist.

so what is it about this silly website that draws me in so intently? had me obsessing over the whole thing make my personal experience happen? or had it been a complete coincidence?

well, whatever it is, he should have gotten my number.

2008-04-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

dear gogol bordello,

Thank you for getting bitches out of our hall. oh, and thank you for just being amazing.

love,

cassie

2008-04-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

so i just woke up from one of the most scariest dreams in my life. i cant really explain it, but i basically woke up crying. i hate this feeling. its absolutely terrible. i feel as if i have no control whatsoever on my mood for the next couple of hours due to this vivid dream. not to mention, my eyes are all puffy now.

there was, however, a good part of the dream. this part was about 2 seconds long and eugene was in it (except we werent having sex, so it kind of was a waste). oh well, i wont complain.

fuckkk that.

2008-04-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

fuck bars that dont let you in if you arent 21. there is no reason as to why i shouldnt be able to see my friend perform with our schools jazz choir if im younger than 21. maybe, you shouldnt book schooooool choirs, because OBVIOUSLY they are going to have audience members who arent "of age".

okay, sorry. i had to vent.

ALSO. fuck creepy guys at bookstore who tell you you smell good, then insist on staring at you the whole time you are trying to peacefully shop around for books. i do not have a sign on me that says "PLEASE HIT ON ME" so dont do it.

thank you.

fire drill?

2008-04-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

when i get back from a wonderful lunch in west portal, i walk to my dorm only to find the entire school (well on campus housing, to be exact) has been evacuated for a...fire drill. really? when was it that i left high school exactly? sometimes i dont think ive left at all. with all of the 2 am "fire drills" we've had, im pretty sure we all understand how to evacuate a building.

this is why i cant be here any longer. this whole place reminds me of high school. i need to get away, i need to be on my own without people telling me what to do, girls being completely immature, and now well, fire drills. summer should come now.

take a chance, take your shoes off, dance in the rain.

2008-04-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

ive realized, i have a place to write almost everywhere:

1. my life book i have started,which basically is a really intricate journal of my life, so i can write a lot and tape things in.

2. my green mini notebook, which is for everyday life. i write everything i hear, everything i think of, and everything i need to remember.

3. this computer. i have pages and pages of writing...mostly stuff i have never finished, and other stuff that just needed to be written down fast.

my point to all this is, i think i have finally found something i love to do. something i can see myself doing for pure enjoyment. this new found writing and my on going obsession for reading should be a good team for my current future.

bring it on world.

i know what you are thinking...

2008-04-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

so i know, i have a livejournal, but i thought i would try something new. livejournal has turned into " the website for my daily gossip" and i thought to myself, thats not what i want my personal thoughts shared on. i write this for me, its true, but i like when people read it and are able to just intake all the methods to my madness. my lifes about to change, i feel, and this is the perfect way to start a new.

so here it is. a new blog. real thoughts, just me.

welcome to my life.