what a beautiful mess this is.

one thing i have added to my list of pet peeves is people who are controlling, but then i got to thinking. do i, perhaps, only hate those who like to control simply because i am one of them? god, i hope not. i mean, i like when things go my way and ill most likely attempt to have them go that way, but if it doesn't oh well. right? Maybe thats just what some people need to figure out, because when they dont it leads to my second pet peeve: whining.

but we wont get into that.

Lifes been a pretty crazy ride these past few months, and i know i keep throwing that out there all the time, but its probably been the most rewarding experiences of my life. i mean, how long have i wanted to just be completely on my own? a long fucking time, and here i am pretty much making it happen. granted, i have been getting a few dollars here and there from the parentals and a little bit of grandma love, but for the most part ive been doing my own thing...and it feels pretty good right now. I have yet to find that routine.

what scares me, however, is that im kinda feeling like a want to hurry up and find that routine.. i want that feeling of being ridiculously comfortable. i mean, thats what i did towards the beginning of the school year and it was such an amazing feeling. Its become something i think about all too often. so what's so scary about that, your asking? what's scary is that ive never felt this way before.

and i mean that in so many different ways.