cause im a paper chaser, just living my life.

I got a call tonight from a friend asking meif i knew where hogan was. i love how im not even there with them, yet im still the one who is called. i love even more how i knew where he was. this made me really happy, actually. Then i got even more happier because this person pretty much said exactly what i had needed to hear.

i cant wait to start living.

I know i seem like all i do is sulk and think about santa cruz, but its exciting. and its hard to express excitement when i know everyone around is really not as thrilled as i am. i wish i could appease everyone, but the fact is i cant. which is why ive decided to just do things for me. i cant base my actions off of what other people might think, and i have to just live my life.

thank you t.i.

do the helen kelllerrr.

my last post was a little deep, and depressing. thats what happens when you drink and type. not okay.

i was recently going through my old pictures on photobucket and i came across this:


granted, this cat isnt as cute as my babylover, but its pretty fucking cute.

as it is, im still excited to go to santa cruz, and i want to go now. but, sadly, i had to turn down one of the new roommate canadates, seeing as shes 26 and wants a quiet area. i dont think this is her kind of place, now is it neighbors? oh well, heres to some twilight fate...hopefully!!

this, my friends, is what we call a drunk post.

theres so much i want to say right now, that i am borderline talking to myself. This is not okay. who in the hell decided that my life was going to lead up to this. I would probably be spewing this out in my journal, but thats upstairs and at this moment its just too far.

i want so much to not feel like this. i want to be able to look at myself and go, "okay, im completely independent", but i cant. I cant do it, because in reality im not. Im not independent in funds, and ive come to realize im not completely independant in happiness either. I mean, to a certain extent saying my happiness relies on another is completely ridiculous because if it came down to it i could be happy on my own, but for the time being im completely enthralled with somewhat of my happiness relying on another. ive never been this person, but i guess when i think more in depth about it its kinda nice having another person.

to be honest, this distance has been fucking with my head and i think its all very retarded.

i just want to go. my mind isnt here. i need to go find it.

flashing lights.

so all my roommates have turned to the dark side and have gotten a blog. God, i am such a trend setter. In a way, im sorta glad they all are blogging. i hope it keeps up, especially because i wont be here for much longer and i would still like to know what is going on.

speaking of not being here for much longer, i cant wait to mooooveeee!!! i know i really should feel sad or even overwhelmed, but i dont. im really fucking excited. I seriously just cant wait to be there, and to start this new step of my life. chicos been great to me, no doubt. but i came, i saw, i made a best friend, and now its time to move on. to be honest, theres really nothing for me here. (and dont worry linda, this has nothing to do with my love for you. that, my dear, will never go away)

someone questioned my ability to trust tonight. I dont really know how to take it. im kinda over having to explain myself on so many accounts. it is what it is. let it go. i mean, i dont mean to sound rude, but life is one big rollercoaster, and if you pull an onch you miss out on a lot. :) so im being a brittany.

sorry for the shameless paris hilton puns.

i have also realized tonight that kanye west is my hero. god, i love that man.

okay soo umm...

so, i have this new hobby, which technically may be called stalking, but i have recently come to reading strangers blogs. i guess, maybe, perhaps they just inspire me. its weird to think that these people are just out there living their everyday lives and have no idea that little 'ol me here in lil 'ol chico knows everything about them. im talking, i know about that funny story that happened march 15, 2007.

yeah, thats not creepy at all.

but really! its kinda cool.

what a beautiful mess this is.

one thing i have added to my list of pet peeves is people who are controlling, but then i got to thinking. do i, perhaps, only hate those who like to control simply because i am one of them? god, i hope not. i mean, i like when things go my way and ill most likely attempt to have them go that way, but if it doesn't oh well. right? Maybe thats just what some people need to figure out, because when they dont it leads to my second pet peeve: whining.

but we wont get into that.

Lifes been a pretty crazy ride these past few months, and i know i keep throwing that out there all the time, but its probably been the most rewarding experiences of my life. i mean, how long have i wanted to just be completely on my own? a long fucking time, and here i am pretty much making it happen. granted, i have been getting a few dollars here and there from the parentals and a little bit of grandma love, but for the most part ive been doing my own thing...and it feels pretty good right now. I have yet to find that routine.

what scares me, however, is that im kinda feeling like a want to hurry up and find that routine.. i want that feeling of being ridiculously comfortable. i mean, thats what i did towards the beginning of the school year and it was such an amazing feeling. Its become something i think about all too often. so what's so scary about that, your asking? what's scary is that ive never felt this way before.

and i mean that in so many different ways.

life is fucking crazy.

just when you thought things couldnt get anymore strange...WHAM someone throws you a curve ball and youve never even held a glove before. I cant say that i dont enjoy the crazy sometimes because it does keep me on my toes, but come on. at least throw this all out at me in moderation. cut me some slack people! my stomach can only take so much.

fuck ulcers, by the way.

i can say, however, that i have the cutest kitten in the world and she just so happens to be sleeping on my chest as i write this. thank god for her or i probably would have lost my mind by now.

well thats really all i have for you. lifes crazy, but it is what it is.