im leavingg on a jet plane.

airports, to state it clearly, are not my friend. to be honest, i hate everything about them. the people, the planes, the security checkpoint. everything.

i mean, currently as i write this the man next to me is basically reading over my shoulder. am i really that interesting, dude? no, im not so go back to playing with yourself.

wow. im kinda bitter. haha but this is what airports do to me!!! the good news is i got on the flight i wanted. im using a buddy pass, so you have to fly stand by...i was a little worried about not making my flight, but i did! anddd i got a new haircut this morning.

so its back to santa cruz. i miss my kitty. i need a job.

ugh, life is fucking nuts.

merry christmas.

for as long as i can remember, christmas has always been the same.

the eve, we head on over to the g parents house, we eat the same food we always eat, and we open presents.
the day, we go to the aunts house, eat the same food, and again open presents.

once my parents got divorced, though, things changed a bit. i dont mean they changed physically, not even at all. we still do the same thing, but the feeling is different. christmas just doesnt feel like it used to.

i havent even seen my dad. actually, i didnt even get a gift from my dad. just a text this morning saying "merry christmas cassie and ciana", which my mother also recieved at the same time. The sad thing about this, is that it was expected. the only thing that truly came as a shock was the fact that i didnt get a gift from him, but i guess i cant complain too much considering he just payed my rent. To be honest, the best gift i could recieve from him would be for him to let me into his life again. i have no idea who he is anymore, and i want to be back in that place of knowing him better than he knows himself.

other than that though, this christmas was just as eventful as the last. heres to next year being...exactly the same.

i know my destination, im just not there.

this house is beautiful. i cant quite get over the fact that im living here. I wish i hadnt forgotten my camera in chico, or else i would have put up pictures.

everyone must come visit me, if you can find me, considering im in the middle of the woods.

but did i mention how pretty it is? i mean, currently i am staring out of the living room window, which leads to our balcony, which overlooks the ocean and a bunch of trees.

when i say its beautiful, i truly mean it.

i leave for san diego in about...3 hours. im pretty excited to go home, actually. I currently am really sad, however, and i cant figure out why. It probably has something to do with the fact that everyone left me already! god, i hate being alone. and i hate that i have to leave my cat. poor baby will be alone on christmasss :(

anyways, ill update while im home. im sure something write-worthy will happen.

For Harold.

Dear Harold,

I never got to say goodbye to you. When we found you this morning we didnt know youd be so stiff until willow tried to pick you up. Im sorry you were so stiff. Willow thinks you died from lack of love, i think you died because your little heart was so full of love it burst! im also sorry we didnt let you out more, but if you werent so obsessed with chewing up everything this might have been different. You are in a better place now, probably getting wasted with mishas hamster and lindas dog. I just want you to know that you will be missed. you were a good pet for the 7 months we had you. the lady at the humane society said this happens all the time, so i hope you found some rabbits who are just like you up there. i once ran over a bunny at home, if you find him let him know im sorry and i cried the whole way home. I also think your timing was a little ironic, i guess now there wont be a need for a custody battle.

i love you harold.
rest in peace.

Love,
mommy #1 (or 2, im not really sure)

cause im a paper chaser, just living my life.

I got a call tonight from a friend asking meif i knew where hogan was. i love how im not even there with them, yet im still the one who is called. i love even more how i knew where he was. this made me really happy, actually. Then i got even more happier because this person pretty much said exactly what i had needed to hear.

i cant wait to start living.

I know i seem like all i do is sulk and think about santa cruz, but its exciting. and its hard to express excitement when i know everyone around is really not as thrilled as i am. i wish i could appease everyone, but the fact is i cant. which is why ive decided to just do things for me. i cant base my actions off of what other people might think, and i have to just live my life.

thank you t.i.

do the helen kelllerrr.

my last post was a little deep, and depressing. thats what happens when you drink and type. not okay.

i was recently going through my old pictures on photobucket and i came across this:


granted, this cat isnt as cute as my babylover, but its pretty fucking cute.

as it is, im still excited to go to santa cruz, and i want to go now. but, sadly, i had to turn down one of the new roommate canadates, seeing as shes 26 and wants a quiet area. i dont think this is her kind of place, now is it neighbors? oh well, heres to some twilight fate...hopefully!!

this, my friends, is what we call a drunk post.

theres so much i want to say right now, that i am borderline talking to myself. This is not okay. who in the hell decided that my life was going to lead up to this. I would probably be spewing this out in my journal, but thats upstairs and at this moment its just too far.

i want so much to not feel like this. i want to be able to look at myself and go, "okay, im completely independent", but i cant. I cant do it, because in reality im not. Im not independent in funds, and ive come to realize im not completely independant in happiness either. I mean, to a certain extent saying my happiness relies on another is completely ridiculous because if it came down to it i could be happy on my own, but for the time being im completely enthralled with somewhat of my happiness relying on another. ive never been this person, but i guess when i think more in depth about it its kinda nice having another person.

to be honest, this distance has been fucking with my head and i think its all very retarded.

i just want to go. my mind isnt here. i need to go find it.

flashing lights.

so all my roommates have turned to the dark side and have gotten a blog. God, i am such a trend setter. In a way, im sorta glad they all are blogging. i hope it keeps up, especially because i wont be here for much longer and i would still like to know what is going on.

speaking of not being here for much longer, i cant wait to mooooveeee!!! i know i really should feel sad or even overwhelmed, but i dont. im really fucking excited. I seriously just cant wait to be there, and to start this new step of my life. chicos been great to me, no doubt. but i came, i saw, i made a best friend, and now its time to move on. to be honest, theres really nothing for me here. (and dont worry linda, this has nothing to do with my love for you. that, my dear, will never go away)

someone questioned my ability to trust tonight. I dont really know how to take it. im kinda over having to explain myself on so many accounts. it is what it is. let it go. i mean, i dont mean to sound rude, but life is one big rollercoaster, and if you pull an onch you miss out on a lot. :) so im being a brittany.

sorry for the shameless paris hilton puns.

i have also realized tonight that kanye west is my hero. god, i love that man.